Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

I keep thinking about paralysis lately, about the things that stop us from forward momentum, the ways and reasons we sometimes don't do the things that we want/need to do. What is the origin of the voice that keeps one spinning?

I want to change the world. (What a cliché, yet I can't think of a better way to say it.) And I want to do it without causing anyone any discomfort. Crazy, totally crazy. How to gently and compassionately say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done? How to offer everyone, anyone, enough grace?

I called a friend today and left a message on his voicemail that went something like this. "I'm having another existential crisis. You want to go get a beer with me this evening and talk about the meaninglessness of art, and how that meaninglessness actually makes it meaningful, and how we create structures of ever-deepening complexity in order to reveal simplicity? Anyway, hope you're having a nice day, ok..."

It comes down to that simplicity, you know, it all does. Everything is about presence and consciousness.

Oh, but I fail.

This morning I wanted to go to church. The social justice minister was delivering a sermon titled Blessed Unrest: 'Inspiration is not garnered from litanies of what is flawed; it resides in humanity’s willingness to restore, redress, reform, recover, re-imagine, and reconsider. Healing the wounds of the Earth and its people does not require saintliness or a political party. It requires something far greater.'

I felt I needed that little nudge that my church often offers me. But I didn't wake up in time... which is fine. It happens. What isn't quite as fine, is that after a frenzied running in circles trying to gather myself, and realizing that we weren't going to make it in time, all I wanted to do was go back to bed. I felt defeated. Now, what is it in me that makes that defeat so close, creates that precise and specific view of success? I need to learn to fumble and stumble and keep trying, keep pushing. What is that quote? Samuel Beckett? Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Yes, try again, fail again, fail better.

I've mentioned this at least twice now, and it this point it seems almost like a tease, like some sort of game I'm playing with myself, but I've been trying to find a way to talk about something hard, something that I know might offend some people whom I care about very deeply... so I keep hesitating.

I'm the sort who wants to be very very sure of my reasoning, of my position, before I put something out into the world, especially if that particular something might cause anyone any discomfort, any pain. But I've spent a long time thinking about all of this, and the truth is, I'm sure. I'm very very sure. So, (deep breath,) ok, next post. I promise.